It was a sunny, mid-summer’s day. The birds were singing and bees a buzzing! There was harmony in the office that day. My co-worker, Larry and I were going about our normal business, toiling here and there and making clever, insulting remarks towards each other as always when some time shortly after the lunch hour Larry slipped into my office with a brilliant idea!
“Peavey, check that out.” Larry said in a rather giddy voice pointing to an old electric pencil sharpener sitting in the back corner of the office on a bookshelf. The contraption looked to be an office remnant of the 60s. In fact, I feared it might be better suited for eating fingers than sharpening pencils. It appeared to have not been used for sometime as a thick layer of dust clothed the old piece of machinery. It would have remained practically forgotten if it had not been for Larry’s insane boredom and acute observation.
Larry, being a man of comic genius and ingenuity had just thought up a brilliant game for us to play! He told me his plan and I rushed away to gather as many unsharpened pencils as possible from the supply clerk. With the help of the office central supply I was able to secure quite the impressive lot of new unused yellow writing utensils!
“Alright dude, here’s how the game goes.” Larry’s voice was draped in enthusiasm. “I’m going to take this rackety old pencil sharpener and sharpen pencils outside MDM’s door until he tells me to stop! If I get through 20 minutes without him saying a word, you’ll buy me lunch two times. If he mentions it to me or complains, I’ll buy you lunch two times!”
I keenly took the bet figuring no man could ever stand to sound of a rackety old pencil sharpener running for nearly a half an hour strait without at least acknowledging the annoying whirling and spinning of that little motor as it so furiously hacks away at the brittle wood of the oh so classic #2 pencil! But then again, very few have challenged the gumption of a man we like to call MDM! At the very least, I figured the motor would burn up and we’d call the bet off.
To help you, the readers better understand the man that is MDM I will say a few words to help convey who he is but sadly you can never really truly know without meeting him.
MDM, is a man of extreme nerve. Some have said that if a courageous soul were to take a sledgehammer to the will of MDM, that sledgehammer would simply crumble in their hands. The source of power that fuels MDM’s extreme nerve is unknown and will surely remain an enigma For-EV-ER! In a war between the will of MDM and the world, back MDM. He will out last anyone in an argument regardless of being right or wrong. Many have visited the office of MDM to argue their points, some have argued for hours late into the evening but MDM always prevails. MDM is a living, breathing filibuster.
To start the contest, Larry took a stack of fresh pencils, plugged in the rickety old pencil sharpener and pulled his chair to the door way of his office which sat adjacent to MDM’s, and so entered the first of many virgin pencils that would be deflowered that harmonious afternoon. The motor fired up making the unpleasant whirling sound, dissimilar to that of an average pencil sharpener. No, this was a much more intense version of the typical hissing and swooshing coupled with a constant grind.
Hisss- swoosh-shhh-shh-shhh- grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
The first pencil met its end quickly with MDM’s stone cold stare never diverting from the mammoth 20 inch CRT monitor dominating his desk. Then another and another and another! MDM’s cold hard stare into the computer screen was quickly becoming the thing of legends, a tall tale that office workers everywhere would someday speak of. In fact, it would later be known amongst some circles as THE EVERLASTING GAZE!
After 15 minutes of intense sharpening action Larry rolled his chair back to his desk, still sharpening away. His assurance of victory was painted all over his face. I began to panic. After all, how could it be that a man could sit through the nonstop, constant whirling of that old pencil sharpener without ever blinking or even looking up?
The sharpening continued. So many pencils had already met their doom, so many trees cut down as sacrifice to our sick, sick sport.
I decided I had to take the loser’s way out. I retreated to my office and shot off an email pleading with my boss. It read:
Get up out of your chair, walk into Larry’s office and ask him, “Man, what the hell are you doing in here?” Then turn around and go back into your office like nothing happened.
A force greater than myself must have been watching our for me because a few seconds later MDM emerged from his throne, walked into Larry’s office and executed the request in the email just as I had asked! It was as if he were a robot.
The sharpening abruptly ceased. A few seconds later Larry entered my office and said, “Well crap, I guess I underestimated MDM. I owe you two lunches.”
The free lunches were mine, but at what cost? I had cheated my friend and lost the opportunity to see a man of intense density sit through 20 minutes of constant racket.
MDM would have sat through 20 minutes of endless noise and many more if we had the pencils to supply our devious game. I still sit and ponder at times, wondering just how far we could have gone. We could have cleared an entire rain forest’s worth of trees shaving pencils down before he diverted his stare but because of my cowardliness no one will ever know the true depths of THE EVERLASTING GAZE.
