Three months ago my wife gave birth to our first child. Since then our world has turned upside down. Suddenly there is an influx of dirty laundry, more cleaning, and because of all the new expenses, a whole lot less money to go around. But despite the changes, I have found being a father to be pretty great. My kid is healthy and happy, about as normal as can be (which is a blessing when having a child) and life is wisping by so quickly that I barely find the time to enjoy it.
It is no secret that being a parent involves making a lot of sacrifices. I am cool with forfeiture of my gadget money, video game time and three hours of sleep every night. This little monster is carrying my gene pool into the next generation after all. In fact, it almost seems like a privileged to give things up for the little squirt. But something else has also been sacrificed, something I never really thought I would have to give up.
Since the birth of the new baby, my sex life has pretty much shriveled up like an old man’s testicles after taking a dip in a cool stream. There are earthworms out there getting more action than I have as of late. My wife has reduced our love making to a single session a week. ONE TIME A WEEK! And when we do “do it”, it’s usually shameful guilt sex. It’s almost like I asked her to fold a basket of laundry or wash a sink full of dishes. Her typical response to my requests is chiseled in my mind now: “Alright, we’ll do it….. GOSH!”
Sadly, since the beginning of my marriage there appears to have been a steady decline in intercourse. Check out this flow chart outlining said decline.
A steady decline, with the exception of a single, explianable outlier.
Not only has the sex been reduced, we now face hurdles when doing it. Usually the baby starts crying midway through. I talked her into screwing around today and she started leaking milk all over my chest. There I am laying on my back when suddenly, drip…. drip… drip… When my wife reached for her nursing bra, I nearly launched her into the air and off the bed with my awesome hip flex. I was suddenly hit with a super human strength inducing shot of adrenalin when faced with the possibility of having sex with the wrinkly, boob misshaping nursing bra in my face! These grotesque contraptions are some sort of evil, anti boner machine! I never thought that there existed such a thing that could turn me off to boobies, but these ugly, granny bras definitely do the trick.
So there we were, my wife making guilt fueled love to me and I had a towel covering my chest and half my face to soak up all the milk dripping all over place. After she got into the groove the sex was fine, but because I only have sex one time a week, my stamina is shot to hell. I feel like a former Olympiad who used to run marathons but now becomes winded while attempting a fifty yard sprint. I suddenly have the longevity of a 13 year old pleasuring himself to a hustler magazine for the first time. Before he can get his little lizard out of his pants, he’s glued the pages of the magazine together!
I tried resorting to porno movies to get me through the week and to help keep my sexual stamina up, but that didn’t go well at all. I downloaded a ton of stuff from various genres, waited until the wife went to bed, got the baby set in her crib then sneaked off into my little corner of shame. To my dismay, all I found were these crack whore, meth head looking bitches with these huge over sized boobs that wouldn’t even jiggle in an earthquake!
I don’t even understand porn these days. I grew up watching classic stuff from the 70′s. Hand picked masterpieces borrowed from one of my buddy’s father’s private collection cleverly hidden under his bed. Those were real women, with organic breasts, a moderate amount of pubic hair and seductive curves. If anyone knows of a classic pornographic bittorrent tracker, leave me a link in the comments.
The women in porn today all look so angry. Then there are the disgusting looking guys with their monstrous erections that the girls basically start screaming at and hitting them. Yes, in most of the films I previewed the whores literally started smacking the crap out of the guys wieners. Then the chick would usually start spitting everywhere. How do these women have spit that is so thick they can string it across the room? And what’s up with all the tattoos? I saw one girl with this gigantic tramp stamp across her back that actually had a word misspelled in it! I hope that was done on purpose.
Needless to say, the porn didn’t work out, though chicas123.com is nice. Top that off with the fact that I was so paranoid of getting caught the entire time, I really couldn’t get my mojo flowing anyway. So much for that.
Sadly enough, every man knows that his mother in law is probably a good indicator of what his wife will some day become, and my mother in law probably hasn’t given up the pootie tang since the late 80′s! I always adhered to the sad delusion that my wife would be different, but now I see the foreshadowing of what will probably be a sad sexual future for myself.
Here’s to hoping some pharmaceutical company develops a clear, odorless, and tasteless female libido enhancing drug soon. If that doesn’t work out, I guess I can always resort to slipping my wife the roofie.
Herds of shoppers line up hours ahead of time for once in a lifetime sales that will change their lives forever! Sweet grandma becomes and evil cunt, aunt Suzie becomes a horrid bitch, and the poor shopping attendants and clerks become indentured servants. All for love.
As constant as the Northern Star for the early explorers of Earth, every group of decent looking females has that token obese friend. My curiosity does not peak at “does this phenomena exist” because of course it does, but rather “why?”. Why must every group of hotties feel the need for an overweight friend? This defies the pattern found in nature. The glorious eagle doesn’t have a turkey companion, wild dolphins do not have a whale friend, and you rarely see a pack of fatties with one hot friend. Let’s examine.
They are taking over like aids in Africa and there is nothing we can do about it. These pale and boyish bastard excuse for males are causing young women everywhere to cream themselves – like you wish you could do. Your four year old daughter likes them, your fourty year old wife loves them, even grandma can not get enough! Yes vampires.
I have many fond childhood memories of Apple computers. My first exposure to a computer was a Macintosh Classic II. The first time I saw it I was afraid to touch the mouse out of fear I would break something. I loved playing The Oregon Trail on that old computer. It was a great little machine.
