Next, I spent some time on Twitter and found that “New Moon” is the second most popular “tweeted about” topic right now.   In fact,  there were 437 tweets in less than a minute regarding “New Moon” while I was online.  Here are some of the most common tweets (actual tweets):

“how amazing is new moon :O :O :O i mean wow!! Xo”
“NEW MOON NEW MOON PLEASE NEW MOON NEW MOON”
“I loveNew Moon!!=)”
“Heading to see @twilightnew moon!!!!!”

Needless to say,  I am currently devastated due to my utter failure and inability to stop this latest craze of vampire fanatics.  I am unsure at this point if my futile post are even worth the keystrokes to have my opinion heard.  The only victory I could salvage during my research is that nearly 100% of discussion regarding vampires involved women (of all ages).  Men were definitely left out of the conversation, except for a few rogue defects, of course.

What is the proper course of action now?  I am unsure.  Maybe I should take a page from other men and just not talk about it.

Here are some other interesting research facts I discovered:

Google Blog search:

• 22,144,635 postings with the phrase “twilight new moon”
• 4,447,826 in the past month
• Over 100 and counting in the past hour

Whatthetrend.com:  Why is New Moon popular right now

• There are tweets on nearly every continent on the planet regarding “new moon”
• Examines popular tweets, news, and comments regarding New Moon
• Tweets in nearly every language regarding New Moon

Google Trends: On New Moon

• The U.S is only the 4th most popular place fro discussing New Moon (Philippines being the first)
• English is only the 2nd most popular language to talk about New Moon
• Richardson, TX, USA is the most popular New Moon region on Earth, followed by Sydney, Australia

My Artistic Rendition of the Bubble Girl

I love to hate people who think they are allergic to everything. These sad little peons fear all types of microorganisms. They use their hypochondria to attain special treatment and sympathy and more times than not, we all suck it up like a thirsty dog lapping up antifreeze on a hot summer day.

These people refuse to use public restrooms or touch stair case railings. Some of the more extreme wear face masks while out doors. Others install special lenses in their glasses to protect their fragile pupils from the sun and constantly apply lotions with sunscreen mixed in to prevent melanoma. These pansies are never comfortable, something always ails them and they are always sure to announce their discomfort to the entire room. I refer specifically to the woman at the office who is always cold in the summer and hot in the winter, the old man who constantly complains of aches, or the over cautious parents who disinfect every aspect of their children’s lives.

I feel ill myself over the over reactions and restrictions these people place on themselves. The only cure to my ailment is to go behind them and do everything they see as hazardous to their fragile health. I take big dumps in nasty gas stations, eat food off the floor and the only time I use disinfectants is when cleaning up fecal matter.

I frequently eat seven day old food long forgotten in the fridge, and consume eggs and milk that are long out of date, I dine regularly at the local Mexican joint nicknamed la coucaracha and I have used the same coffee mug for the past year without washing it once! I don’t wash my hands after taking pisses unless I splash some on me and if my chicken is a little raw in the middle, I keep on chomping.

Despite all this, the only time I use sick leave at work is to take in ball games with my buddies or to do something else kick ass.

I write about this in response to a news story I just read about a woman from Pennsylvania who actually lives in a chemical free bubble most of her day. The poor thing claims the outside world just makes her sick. Oh bubble girl, you poor, poor victim.

But please, do not worry about bubble girl; she is cared for by a highly trained doctor. The news story goes on to report that her local physician is an expert in the highly specialized field of pseudoscience. After all, every hypochondriac needs a good pseudo scientist to endorse their misconceptions and feed their fears!

Turns out, we have a bubble girl here at work! I have worked with her for two and a half years yet I could not tell you her name. We simply call her Bubble Girl. Bubble Girl enjoys sitting at a desk in the common area/hall way between all our offices. She used to have an office of her own, but some kind of strange odor or smell in the air activated violent allergies making it impossible for her to work. Despite the fact that she worked in this office for nearly a year before and the entire building was cleansed using a series of super, giant HEPA-filter equipped air purifiers that resembled Transformers; the air in that office still makes her ill.

At Bubble Girl’s desk is a personal fan, an air purified, a space heater and even a special foot rest that allows her to keep her feet propped up at all times. She has a special ergonomic keyboard and mouse and extra thick, padded wrist pads too. Despite having two, $10,000, high powered laser printers less than 25 feet away from her, she has her own personal, less efficient inkjet printer on her desktop. Despite having a community coffee pot (which she also sits only a few feet from), she has her own mini coffee pot.

In front of Bubble Girl, in the pathway of us office dwellers, is her own personal file cabinet covered in pictures of her children, and conveniently, four days a month is Bring Your Kids to Work Day (but only for Bubble Girl) because at least one day a week she brings her son to work with her! And all of this takes place in our office hall way.

Thanks to Bubble Girl we enjoy hot days in the summer and cool days in the winter. Bubble Girl is always uncomfortable and always sickly and the thermostat in the office is always set to a temperature suitable to meet her needs! When it gets too warm in the office during the summer, Bubble Girl turns on her personal fan. When it gets too cool in the winter, Bubble Girl turns on her space heater. Meanwhile, I’m either applying extra deodorant and wiping the sweat from my brow or wearing gloves with the fingertips cut off so I can keeps my hands warm and still type.

I love you so much Bubble Girl, you are the best!

But seriously, what’s the deal with the unfairness in all this. It’s simply a cultural injustice. We love to accommodate these candy asses. An even more important question, what is the deal with all these pussies. Are you all not ashamed to be pussies? Quit being pussies.

Say it with me everyone:

“QUIT BEING PUSSIES”

I wish I could kick Bubble Girl in the ovaries. A sharp shot to the baby maker; that would fix her. And God help me if I were to ever meet a Bubble Boy. I would be a little less inclined to keep my thoughts restricted to a blog no one reads if that were the case.

Please, say it with me again:

“QUIT BEING PUSSIES”

Thank You.
Read more about the real life bubble girl.

Only sod gets the nod!

Every time a new homeowner association comes into power, Satan ejaculates onto his chest. Genocide is taking place in Africa, countless are dying at the hands of religious fanatics around the world and the banks and politicians are raping us all from behind but despite all this delightful evil, homeowner associations are the icing on Mr. Lucifer’s cake.

Why? Because the sanctions and power these whiny ass bitches have over the hard working man is the purest form of injustice in the world. In all other cases of injustice it’s nearly always the big guy picking on the little guy, the powerful or radical dominating the passive. In cases of homeowner associations, logic is turned upside down. The peon with no life now has dominion over you. They have more power than the Supreme Court. They own you.

Is there anything pettier than the sanctions and rules these organizations are able to enforce? It’s a case where the spoiled, brat child whose parents always lets them have their way is suddenly allowed by law to bully you and steal your Kool-aid and lemon cookies, and when you go to retaliate the teacher puts you in time out then gives you silent lunch.

Indeed, every time someone signs a covenant agreement I believe whole heartedly that Satan busts a big nut on his bare, fire truck red chest! And that goo sticks a long time. He knows he is now off the hook for making your life hell. His right hand man, Mr. Homeowner President will do his dirty work from now on!

An older gentleman living in Bayonet Point, Florida was recently taken to jail without bail for contempt of court. His contempt arose from not attending a trial in which the local homeowner association was coming down on him for not laying fresh sod in his lawn. He had fallen on hard times, could barely afford to pay for his home and knew he couldn’t afford to lay new sod in his brown yard so he skipped court. Not a wise decision but a sign of hopelessness. The association broke him down like the mob breaks your knees for not paying up. They hauled him away to jail without sentencing or bail.

The local jail, whose prisoner population is 350 people over capacity welcomed the man, a true dredge on society with open arms for an indefinite stay. That’s what you get when you don’t lay new sod on your lawn in Bayonet Point, bitch! Now rot with all the other homeowner association violators and minor drug offenders. I’d be willing to bet that the whopping 3.16% of the population in this town that isn’t white is all in jail with him!

Even sadder though is the fact that this mans grass is GREEN! The article confirms that the picture above was taken the day the man was sent to jail. They were indeed going after him over this lawn. Where I’m from you’re satisfied if no one throws any empty beer bottles in your lawn or takes out your mail box with a baseball bat.

Injustices like these exist everywhere. Homeowner associations are full of Nazis. Their only objective in life is making sure they keep up with their pathetic, shallow facade and dominating the personal business of others. Who cares if you are working day and night to make ends meet, that shrubbery better not get too tall. Who cares if there is a fuel shortage, that grass better be cut. And if the entire state is plagued with drought and outdoor watering is forbidden you still better find a way to make that grass green and lush. If not, the little bitches from the association will fine you and place liens on your home.

The lawn rules are just the tip of the iceberg. If that’s all you’re dealing with you’re lucky. Other rules I’ve seen range from rules forbidding children to play outside to not being allowed to wash your car outside your home and worse.

In the world of homeowner associations its the whiny, bitch ass brats who get their way. It’s a world that rewards tattletales. It’s a source of power for those too weak and pathetic to grab it any other way. These people want to control you, they want to boss you and push you around. If you were a kid again and you saw one of these punks on the play ground you’d probably punch them in the nose and tell them to kiss your ass.

If the poor old man from Bayonet Point were my grandfather or father, I’d hire an African American, homosexual thug to ass rape the person or person’s who made the complaint and took the issue all the way to court. Black and gay because that’s what these sort of people fear worse, blacks and gays in their neighborhoods!

Rot in hell assholes.

Check out the article about the poor old man from Bayonet Point

It appears another sham religion has emerged, this time it is based on the Jedi philosophy made so popular by the Star Wars franchise. The followers of the Church of Jediism, (a word even more fictitious than their religion) use the “insight and knowledge” from the films as “a guide to living a better and more worthwhile life.”

When I was 6 I too was part of a religious group of this nature called “Turtle Power!” We followed the teachings of Master Splinter as they were passed down to the 4 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Master Splinter and The Shredder kind of had a yin and yang thing going on. Damn I wish that religion was still around.

Funny enough, almost all the ideas the Jedi’s follow appear to be ripped off from Upanishadic philosophy. I guess dudes that spend all day gripping their “light sabers” wouldn’t know too much about anything outside the ficticious world of Star Wars though. And furthermore, isn’t fan fiction a huge part of the Star Wars universe? Don’t these Jedi wannabe dip shits have a problem with the fact that people could just start rewriting things and if one piece of fan fiction becomes more popular than the rest, it sort of becomes the popular mantra? Oh yeah, that already happens in major religions. My bad.

Well, a few days ago this religion was met with some mockery and intolerance. My new hero, a 27 year old Welsh man name Arwel Hughes dressed up like Darth Vader, downed a 2 ½ gallon box of wine, donned a garbage bag cape and kicked these guys asses while they were having a light saber fight.

Yes… they were actually having a light saber fight. Hughes only got caught because they were recording it. I guess it’s kind of like their own version of porn… crossing swords… err, I mean light sabers and all.

When the victims, who are obviously not very good Jedi if two of them can’t even defeat a drunken Darth Vader, were interviewed about their religion they commented:

“We all love the films and what they stand for. Obviously some people are going to laugh about it… But a lot of people do take it seriously.”

Obviously he’s right since a 2001 United Kingdom census reported 0.7 percent or about 390,000 people listed Jedi as their religion.

That’s an awful lot of grown men playing with glow sticks. Hope they keep those things sheathed during all those long homosexual light saber parties!

Source: http://www.foxnews.com

Check it out: The Official website for the Jedi Church

This is great news for men everywhere. As a habitual closet masturbator who pleases himself at a minimum of twice daily, I’m all but guaranteed to not get prostate cancer!

I think this gives me the perfect excuse to get that subscription to Playboy magazine now. Eh, what the hell. I’m serious about preventing prostate cancer so I’m going to get a subscription to Hustler too!

This breakthrough discovery calls for closet masturbators everywhere to come out of the closet. This research should instill courage in all of us. Masturbation is good for you. Say it with me, it feels so right.

Masturbation should no longer be something restricted to behind closed doors. Men everywhere are sick and tired of cowering in shame, rushing frantically to rub one off while the wife is taking a poop break and the kids are preoccupied by Barney & Friends, all the while sitting with our backs turned in the other direction for that breif moment of guilty pleasure. And no more wanking it in the shower either! Using soap as lube makes the end of my penis burn and my imagination just isn’t that damn good anymore!

We need our own fraternal organization, an association that will essentially be the masturbators lobby. I propose we call it the Organization of Regular Guys Enjoying Ejaculation or ORGEE for short. It’ll be great. You’ll all see!

Next time your wife, mother, grandmother, mother-in-law, girlfriend or priest catches you beating off, tell them you aren’t ashamed anymore. Tell them you find support and courage through ORGEE!

Masturbation is good for you.  Say it with me again… it feels so right.

Read more about it HERE!

“The Monterey Peninsula Unified School District in Seaside, California has just proven the age-old saying, ‘no good deed goes unpunished.’

15-year-old Marina High School student, Amanda Rouse, felt ill on her way to school last Wednesday morning, and decided to stay on her bus as it picked up elementary school students. The driver would take her home after the elementary route was finished.

However, by doing this, she didn’t follow proper procedure for leaving school grounds with her illness (checking out at the office, getting parent approval, etc.).

While the bus was driving the elementary route, the driver fell out of her seat at a sharp turn, and struck her head. The bus veered to the side and began hitting parked cars.

Rouse immediately jumped into action, hopped in the driver’s seat, applied the brakes and brought the bus to a safe stop.

So what does the school district do in response to this heroic act? Rouse was slapped with a weekend detention for ‘cutting class.’

The problem here is that years of absolute zero-tolerance thinking have left public school administrators with a very black and white attitude – no room for grey areas, no room for judging each infraction on its own merits.

Rouse should not be punished, she should be praised. School administration should waive the detention and instead thank this girl for her quick-thinking act of bravery.”

 This story begs the question, don’t the drivers’ seats have seat belts?

Forget it, obviously this bunch of school administrators is more concerned with students following the rules than its own employees, since the driver should have been buckled up and the student rewarded for saving lives.  Who do I blame?  The administrators?  Hardly, these people are harmless numbskulls who are content with their meaningless authority and pithy ability to enforce their authority.  Most would be likely too weak to even challenge the student if she were to refuse to show up for her “breakfast club” session.  No, I blame the limp wristed judges who have allowed their greedy lawyer buddies to turn our legal system into the ultimate get rich quick scheme.  This has turned school systems along with many other well intended functions and institutions into a brainless, mindless hell scape of no-man’s-land between the opposing forces of legal liability and the pathetically redundant, burdensome, ridiculous, politically correct, and often contradictory code of rules, which are so powerful and almighty, that you cannot break them, apparently not even to actually save the life of some little kids.  Why?  Because those are the rules.  Don’t question them.  We might get sued if we allow you to break those rules.  Who else do I blame?  Pussies.  In this case, if this teenager’s parents or legal guardians allow her to serve that detention, they are even more to blame than anyone on any school board or any courtroom.  People like that allow themselves to be bullied and hasten autocracy.  If you cherish freedom, every once in awhile, you’ve just got to bow up and use a little bit of it.

Read more about it HERE!

The whole ordeal is nothing short of amazing. The kids brought a steak knife, handcuffs, even a roll of electrical take and a paper weight (since every murder requires a blunt object) to get the job done. They even went through the trouble of designating someone to cover the windows and thought to assign the low man on the totem pole cleanup duty after the hit had taken place.

I am so impressed with these kids that if this group was in fact considered “challenged” then I propose we give them all Special Olympics badges of honor! They deserve it for thinking abstractly! And if they weren’t challenged, I say we still give them a Special Olympics badge of honor for acting especially RETARDED!

I have to admit that I secretly wish I were the teacher in the classroom that day. I’d have personally welcomed the attacks. Few things in life could be as splendid as having the opportunity to punt a few wimpy ass third graders across the room. I’d pretend I was kicking field goals to win the super bowl! I’d imagine I was Hulk Hogan in Wrestlemania battling a team of deformed demon midgets! Would it not be awesome to drop kick an evil little hyper active brat with a kitchen knife in the head?

I say bring it on wimpy ass children of America. This is the fighting spirit we need in America today! Our future rests in all of you!

Have a laugh and read more about it HERE!

Another teacher has taken action against the current generation of complete pansies we’re raising! Last week it was the teacher in Orlando who encouraged a kid to urinate in her lunch box instead of granting a hall pass. She was soft and ultimately lost that battle, but this time fate would prove to be a bit kinder to the teachers in the secret war declared on the pathetic youth of today.

In Delta, Colorado a teacher allowed a tardy student’s fellow classmates to beat him down after being late to class. All this occurred after he failed to complete the task of doing an alloted number of push ups and and sit ups in a given amount of time! Nice touch, battling the war on obesity and the pathetic youth of today in one clean blow.

Most parents are likely appalled, which points to the exact reason why all the kids of America today are turning into real life STAY PUFF MARSHMALLOW MEN! I argue that this was an ingenious move. Turn the troublemaker’s peers against him and teach him a real lesson.

After all is said and done the 22 year old teacher is facing charges of child abuse. This just proves rookies like this who are practically still children themselves should spend many years of training in the art of whoop ass before participating in the war on the pathetic youth of today.

With a little wit and ingenuity the teacher could have organized a gang rape for the troublemaker student in the gymnasium bathroom between 2nd and 3rd period and he would have done so in a fashion that ensured no one would ever possibly trace it back to him.

Read more about it HERE!

There is currently no evidence that WiFi causes harm to anyone and lets forget the fact that a years worth of WiFi radiation if equal to just 20 minutes on a mobile phone. Also consider all the other things we use regularly in our daily lives that spew tons of radiation. Microwave ovens, CRT TVs and monitors, the sun!

I wonder if the tree huggers realize that virtually every posh coffee shop and Starbucks they visit is spewing this harmful WiFi. What about all the hippies writing their novels out in public on their new Macbook Air laptops surfing the net wirelessly? What about all the kids playing their new console game systems online wirelessly in their homes!

If genetically modified crops, deforestation, mad cow disease and bird flu, carbon emissions and all those nitrates they pump in hot dogs don’t end up killing you, the WiFi definitely will!

Consider this, I spent 5 years at a university draped in WiFi, my place of work is draped in WiFi, my home has been draped in WiFi for 3 years now and don’t forget the mass amounts of public places and personal homes you pass by that have WiFi beaming out in every direction.

If WiFi is harmful, I would assume that by now I would be growing some extra limbs (or at least a brain tumor) after being constantly exposed to it for over half a decade now.

Go eat your organic alfalfa sprouts and don’t forget the tinfoil hats hippies!

Read more about it HERE!

Nearly every day at school I would have to ask to be excused to the restroom very suddenly. Sometimes teachers were cool, they’d give you a hall pass or tell you to grab one on the way out the door, let you do your business and come back. But then there were always the asshole teachers. The ones that were probably burned a few times by stupid kids abusing the privilege to take a piss or a dump and now decided no one was allowed to do so.

I can understand a teacher being wary of the kid that always looks for a reason to be out of the class room but what about those that have to seriously take a dump or pee? When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go! I still have nightmarish memories of grabbing the seat of my desk, pulling myself down as tightly as I could, praying that the urge would subside just ‘til the end of the period. Thank God the days of the hall pass are over for me.

Well, now it appears all the school children of the world, the children who are what I once was have a new hero. Someone to look to for guidance, someone who has set the example for the rest of us to follow! He is… The Urinator!

Apparently a middle school teacher in Orlando wouldn’t allow one of her students to go to the bathroom and made the (most likely) sarcastic remark that he could take a piss in her lunch box if he really had to go that bad, so what did the kid we’ve now come to know as The Urinator do? He grabbed his teacher’s lunchbox, went behind a bookcase and urinated in it then returned the lunchbox to her!

I can only come to a few conclusions, either this kid is a badass or he’s totally retarded and took her literal. The badass scenario would prove more appropriate for role of The Urinator, but I’m secretly hoping it was some poor kid with Down’s syndrome since that seems much funnier to me.

Hopefully we’ll hear more about this soon.

Read about it HERE!