The Jackass Soapbox » Email Extraordinaire

Email Extraordinaire # 4: Wilhelm Busch III

Peavey — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:01:43 +0000

Back when Larry Glavoltz and I used to work together, we’d pump out the hilarious emails on an almost daily basis. I kick myself in the balls all the time for not saving them. This one did survive though!

This correspondence between my/ Larry’s old boss is classic. I still can’t believe the Boss bought it all. I still remember our boss coming out of his office laughing about this man named Wilhelm who had pet alpacas and wanted a job with us! CLASSIC!

Email 1 (From Larry, AKA Wilhelm)
From: Wilhelm Busch III [mailto:wbuschgisluv@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, June 29, 2007 1:44 PM
To: Michael ######
Subject: Open Position

Mr. ######,

I saw the position open for Addressing Technician on the internet and would like to know just a little bit more about it. My wife and I have just moved to Dallas from the St Louis area, and I was looking for some GIS/Surveying related jobs that are close by. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Wilhelm Busch, III

Email 2 (From the boss)

Mr. Busch,

Thank you for your inquiry into our Addressing Technician position, but we have already filled that position.

Thanks again.

Michael ######

Email 3 (from Wilhelm)

From: Wilhelm Busch III [mailto:wbuschgisluv@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, June 29, 2007 2:24 PM
To: Michael ######
Subject: RE: Open Position

Mr. ######,

I’m sorry to hear that the position has already been filled. Would you happen to know of any other position(s) relating to GIS or surveying that might be opening up in the near future in Paulding Co or Dallas area? In fact, the more I dig up, the better because, my wife Francis is also looking for employment in this field.

Email 4: (From the boss)

Mr. Busch,

There is nothing available now, and I don’t know of anything opening right away, however, our GIS program is growing rapidly and there could be opportunities down the road either in my Division or in another department. Check our website (www.#####.com) periodically to look for any openings that might occur. If you would like to forward me resumes for you and your wife, I will be glad to hold them in case I have something come about.

Thanks.

Michael ######

Email 5 (From Wilhelm)
From: Wilhelm Busch III [mailto:wbuschgisluv@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, June 29, 2007 2:42 PM
To: Michael ######
Subject: RE: Open Position

Would you prefer that I send you my resume or my wife’s resume? I understand that presently the answer is that there is nothing available, however, if something were to come up in the near future, would it be possible for my wife and I to work for the county in 4 hour increment shifts on a daily basis? Obviously, it sounds somewhat odd, but bear in mind that we met in a GIS program, and our qualifications, education, and experience are virtually the same. Of course, the answer from most places has been a resolute “No,” but we agree that it is in the best interest of our family to find creative ways to cut childcare costs because daycare is so expensive. We also raise alpacas (which we could not do in St Louis), and they don’t thrive well when they spend extended periods of time away from their owners. Thanks again for your consideration.

Email 6 (From the boss)

You can send me both and if something were to become available we could explore those options.

Michael D. ######

Email 7 (From Wilhelm)

Mr. ######,

For the past few minutes, I have been outside feeding our alpacas. Francis told me that she e-mailed her resume to you, and was shocked and horrified by your vulgar response. She wanted me to let you know that she is a happily married woman and expects an explanation for the photograph that you sent her.

Thank you.

Wilhelm Busch III

(The image allegedly emailed from the Boss is enclosed in the email)

Email Extraordinaire #3: Potty Humor!

Peavey — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 19:11:49 +0000

This is a wonderful email I sent to the HR Director of the company I work for. Luckily he has a pretty good sense of humor and I can joke around with him, unlike most HR Directors out there.

From: Peavey
Sent: Wednesday, March 19, 2008 2:04 PM
To: Bill #####
Subject:

Dear Bill

Being a fellow male who uses the same restroom as I do (the one near your office) you are most likely fully aware of the situation with the restroom door. The little arm at the top of the door that catches it and keeps it from slamming shut has been broken for some time now.

Recently that arm was removed by the maintenance department. I could only hope that this was done so that they can use the broken arm to purchase a new, functioning arm. In the mean time, we’re left without an arm on our restroom door.

The absence of such an arm has caused quite a predicament early this morning. Having eaten a breakfast burrito, 2 mini Jimmy Dean sausage and gravy biscuits and oatmeal (I need my fiber) for breakfast, I knew I would be in for taking a serious restroom break sometime this morning!

Shortly after 9 am I went to my favorite stall in the men’s restrooms, the one furthest from the door, and did the deed quietly in peace. I must disclose to you, by the time I was finished it turned out to be a bit of a mess. Cleaning myself up presented quite the challenge and resulted in some ‘debris’ being splattered on my hands. Not wanting to get any of this ‘debris’ on my nice slacks, I hobbled out of the stall and over to the sink. You’ll be pleased to know, I was able to pull my underpants up without soiling them with the ‘debris’ though.

I washed my hands thoroughly and quickly pulled up my pants. After all, literally getting caught with your pants down is no fun. Then I turned around to reach for a hand towel and that’s when the incident happened.The absence of an arm at the top of the door had left the bathroom wide open to passing spectators, and wouldn’t you know it, an elderly lady no younger that 80 was standing there looking right at me. I grinned at her and wished her good day then was off as quickly as possible. It was quite embarrassing.

I’m writing you to give you somewhat of a heads up, just in case this lady should call and complain, though I doubt she will since I’ve yet to see the lady who was disappointed by seeing me in my underpants. Please contact building maintenance so that I may never find myself in such a predicament again!Good Day.

Bill’s Response:

Once again, I have asked Building Maintenanace to fix it. Not sure how promptly they will respond. The older lady you mentioned told me to let you know you shouldn’t be too embarassed; the video tape did not show anything too private!

Bill #####, Human Resources Director

Email Extraordinaire #2: It’s Bombcastic!

Peavey — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 14:38:50 +0000

I rencently purchased a brand new home in a newly developed subdivision late last year. Being a tech junkie, high speed internet and cable is a must, in fact I’d say its a must for most anyone in this day and age. So naturally, one of my top priorities was to get the internet and TV going.

I start off by calling Comcast, after all, all the neighbors up and down the main street had it, it just wasn’t installed down the subdivision street yet. Since I’m the first home built in the subdivision, they say they won’t run the cable until more people call requesting the service and insist I’m in AT&T’s territory anyway! I call AT&T and get the same response.

Why these people don’t want my $100+ a month is beyond me! And the developer insists that he paid both companies to run installation to the houses he’s been building.

I become very pissed and decide to take action. My mom was lucky enough to get me the name and email of a regional manager for the company whose job is to oversee new accounts. The emails below are the actual correspondence that I sent to Comcast, or as I like to call them: BOMBCAST!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 10:46 AM
To: #### (sent to my friends for pity)
FW: comcast

Nancy Black is a local manager for the Comcast office in Canton. My mom got in contact with her and she sent me an email about the problems I’ve been having. This is the honest to god response I just sent her in regards to the customer service I’ve received from the Cartersville office.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 10:44 AM
To: ‘#####, Nancy’
Subject:RE: comcast

They’re (the local techs) supposed to be coming out today and burying the drop line. This local office in Cartersville is useless. They totally contradict what I’ve been told by the office I talk to when I call 404 comcast. You should try and have those people canned, they all suck. After this whole ordeal I’ve decided to start calling Comcast by a new name:

BOMBCAST! As in I just dropped a big BOMB in the toilet and it smells like 3 day old dog crap that’s been sitting out in the sun wrapped in a ziplock bag! Bombcast makes me have to puke. I swear I’d rather stick a corncob wrapped in barbed wire up my butthole then talk to those idiots in that office ever again!

Thank you for your time and response.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 11:50 AM
From: ‘#####, Nancy’
Subject:RE: comcast

I’m very sorry to hear you feel that way about Comcast. I’ll do everything I can to rectify the situation.

Later I learned about a great site you can sound off on called ComcastMustDie.com. Anyone with a problem with the company should visit the site and state their problems for help.

By the way, a month later they finally came out and rigged up the cable for me. They connected it to a telephone pole down the road and I had orange cable running across the street to my house for 2 months until they finally came and installed it correctly.

Email Extraordinaire #1: Calling Out of Work

Peavey — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 03:24:21 +0000

Far too often emails at work are kept short, professional and to the point. I try to avoid this trend at all costs. I consider my electronic messages as short stories aimed at entertaining, encapsulating and inspiring the intended recipient.

Read on how I demonstrate these methods while calling out of work to take a day long bike ride across the North Georgia landscape!

——– Original Message ——–
Subject:     vacation day
Date:     Sun, 02 Mar 2008 21:53:55 -0500
From:     ########
To:     #########

Micheal,
This morning I awoke to a wonderful day, a true gift from God. From my bed I could see the living room was illuminated in gold from the rising sun, I went outside to be greeted by crisp clean air and a thin layer of frost on my windshield. I was truly thankful to be alive!

I decided to enjoy the wonderful morning by playing a round of golf with my good buddy Chris, the one who got crapped on that one time by that really drunk chick.

Though I really suck at golf and I have a slice from hell, I nailed a few good shots at least 250 yards today. I felt like a real man bashing the crap out of that little ball.

I came home more relaxed than I’ve been in months, my cares seemed to melt away out on the fairway and green and I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my cheeks were pink with sun burn. I felt like a kid again.

I just flipped over to the weather channel a few moments ago and noticed that the weather is going to be immaculate tomorrow like it was today! I have to seize another day of this perfect weather and continue this feeling of being a child at least one more day! I’m going to take my bike and hit the Silver Comet Trail tomorrow!

I hope you don’t mind if I take a vacation day to do so. I know I didn’t tell you before hand, and I would have but this wonderful weather was truly unexpected.

I’ll take a picture for you when I reach the long train tunnel on my way to Rockmart tomorrow and when I return on Tuesday I’ll be working harder than ever!

I’ll call you first thing in the morning to call out in person and try to persuade you to come along with me.

Talk to you soon.