The Fat Friend

As constant as the Northern Star for the early explorers of Earth, every group of decent looking females has that token obese friend.  My curiosity does not peak at “does this phenomena exist” because of course it does, but rather “why?”.  Why must every group of hotties feel the need for an overweight friend?  This defies the pattern found in nature.  The glorious eagle doesn’t have a turkey companion, wild dolphins do not have a whale friend, and you rarely see a pack of fatties with one hot friend.  Let’s examine.

There are several theories, mostly amongst males, that attempt to explain this irrational behavior.

1. Fat friends are the previous thin friends who ate everyone’s leftovers.
It rings true that thin girls of average size and weight never finish their meal, but it is also true that this food does not go uneaten. The fat friend gobbles her meal as quickly as possible only to finish her friends nuggets, half eaten burger, and fries as well. However, the hole in this theory is that there seems to be a missing link in the evolution of once thin friend to fat friend. It appears the fat friend has always been the fat friend, not the once thin friend. (Not including newly married friends, newly pregnant friends, or friends subject to the freshman 15-45) So we can conclude this theory does not explain the majority of fat friend cases around the world.

2. Large friends are good for protection from predators.
They are also known as the dreaded “cock blocks”. The fat friends who protect the skinny friends from your relentless attempts at hooking up. Big girls can hold untold amounts of alcohol, so no matter how intoxicated everyone else is they are the sex police, but whether it is out of love or jealousy is unclear. Men also know this as “taking one for the team”. One friend (most likely the loser of paper, scissors, rock) has to sweep the one ton friend off her feet, leaving her unsuspecting friends free from the mother elephant. Meanwhile, Ben is basking in the smell of brisket and musk while Shamoo makes a man out of him – he should have picked scissors!

3. Fat friends boost self confidence.
The bottom line is, huge girls make small girls feel better about themselves. While I doubt you could ever get any group of decent looking women to admit it, the simple fact is they allow giant Birtha to be their friend because in the long run, she is a scape goat for their feelings of self doubt and anxiety about themselves. They can always pick up more guys, get more free drinks, and fit into a small dress than their dear friend, the fat ass. We all know it’s true – the big fat truth about big fat friends.