Your New Year Resolution: Get a life!

Let's get fit in 2009!

Another year is nearing its end and all around me people are lively and excited with their hopes and aspirations for the New Year to come.  Resolutions are bountiful as usual.  I hear one over weight friend vow to lose weight, another vow to quit smoking and a few fellow coworkers vow to get more exercise.  One fellow down the hall plans to finish his college degree and another in the office next to him even jokingly muses about dumping his hag of a wife.

Everybody seems to be having a great time declaring these exciting, life changing plans for the next year to come. Personally, I think making plans are fun too. It gives you something to live for and aspire to.  It’s healthy to set goals and work towards them in life.  But frankly, all of you and your New Year resolutions make me want to puke.  If you were not motivated enough to work towards any given goal during any other time of the year, why would you suddenly start now?

New Year resolutions are a joke. They are another marketing gimmick used to swindle away a few more of the hopelessly hopeful’s dollars by creating the prospect of easily losing a few extra pounds or sculpting an abdominal muscle out of their chubby mid-section.  They are an excuse for the lethargic glutton to have another helping of fried chicken at the local hog trough (otherwise known as a buffet) while telling those around him that this is the last meal of fried food he’s eating before starting his New Years diet!  And New Year resolutions are the excuses every other underachiever out there uses to put off all the great things they are going to do… UNTIL THE NEW YEAR!

New Year resolutions don’t just annoy me, they intrude on my life.  Already my local fitness club is becoming over crowded in the evenings.  Dozens of new faces suddenly pop up, pumping and sweating away with their dream of looking like a movie star glistening in their eyes.  They’ll all be gone by Valentine’s Day. Infomercials promoting miracle diets, total body transformations and promises to help you instantly quit smoking (or any other bad habit you might have) pollute  some of my favorite deep cable television channel’s time slots and my ears bleed from the endless speech I have to endure day in and out about all these new, wonderful plans. It’s maddening.

Instead of wasting your money on the next miracle diet, gym membership or that next wonderful panacea that promises to make all your problems go away, why don’t you just give your money to me! Empty your wallets jackasses!

And don’t assume I am some holier than thou, super motivated, over achiever who grabs everything I want in life by the horns and forcefully take what’s theirs. I’m not above making resolutions, I’m just not self delusional to actually make them.  I look at myself in the mirror every morning and think two things: #1. Holy crap my eyebrows are bushy and #2:  I’m a loser, a totally awesome loser but a loser none the less.  I’m no better than any of you… well most of you.

This year for fun, every time I hear a coworker, acquaintance or friend announce a new resolution, I offer up one of my own.  These are the resolutions of a real man, a truly awesome beast of a human being! Enjoy.

My resolutions:

1. Eat more pork fried rice.  (Simply because it’s delicious!)
2. Eat tacos for lunch every day in February, covered in cheese dip (Offered to an overweight acquaintance vowing to lose weight while dining on fattening Mexican food).
3. Stop peeing in the sink in men’s restrooms (Announced in a crowded mall restroom, while casually talking on the phone to someone and taking a pee.)
4. Find a more rewarding job (Offered in response to my boss’ announcement that he plans to lose weight next year. It was a joke by the way).
5. Forward more mind numbing, inbox cluttering, SPAM email. (Sent as a reply-to-all in an email listing great ideas for New Year resolutions. Easily four hundred people got that message!)
6. Stop wasting so much of my life on a blog no one reads.  (Because no one really cares what you have to say.)

That’s it! Happy New Year!