Part 2
[read part 1 first]
About a year had passed since the introduction of the stories, everyone seemed to still believe them and occasionally I’d be asked to re-tell them when Larry was brought up by anyone at work. They were a huge hit, and no one ever hinted at the fact that Larry or I may just be full of crap, or at least playing a joke on them.
Halloween was coming up and it was time to introduce a new joke. This time Larry would be the victim. I typed up the story of The Deer Killer with all the wonderful and gory details it had grown over the year and let it sit online for a few weeks.
While planning the joke, I knew that if there was one thing Larry despised, it was the ultra liberal, candy ass hippies. At the top of this hippie hate list are the out of touch, environmentalist nut jobs from Greenpeace and the meat hating, vegan freaks from PETA. Obviously, exploiting his dislike of PETA was the golden ticket to a great prank in this case.
In the Atlanta area there appears to be no local chapter of PETA, but there is an organization called GARP. GARP, or Georgia Animal Rights and Protection are a non-profit group who, like PETA, act in the interests of animals. I decided to use GARP as the foundation of my prank. GARP’s website is www.GARPAtlanta.org.
I kicked off the prank by purchasing www.GARP-Atlanta.org and redirecting it to the legitimate, very similar GARP URL. Next I invented an identity, a big shot at GARP who would work to deliver justice for the animals Larry had killed! I changed all the Who-Is registrant info for my fake domain to match the name of this new person I made up. I used the phone number from an old pre-paid cell for the contact phone number and used the same registrant mailing address that existed from the real GARP organization address as my address. Then I created a GARP-Atlanta.org email address for my fake identity.
I wanted to be sure that if this prank were being played on me, even I’d fall for it.
Next I sent myself an email from the fictitious GARP official, Mitchell Richards, stating that PETA had made him aware of the alleged animal abuse taking place in his community. The email proclaimed GARP and PETA’s distaste for my story and demanded I take it down. Read the letter below:
October 14th, 2008 M. Peavey, Registrar/Technical Contact http://www.JackassSoapbox.net
Dear Mr. Peavey
Recently, a very troubling webpage article published to a website which is registered to your name and address was brought to our attention by PETA, the world’s largest and most prominent animal rights organization. The article outlined the mistreatment and brutal murder of a wild animal in graphic detail.
I contact you today on behalf of GARP, Georgia Animal Rights and Protection and it’s 700 plus members which represents the interests of PETA in the great state of Georgia. GARP was formed in the spring of 2003 by a handful of local activists who believed Georgia would benefit from an organized, cohesive animal rights group. Since our inception, we have held public meetings, and we have organized many demonstrations, tabling events and campaigns. We also investigate allegations of mistreatment of animals on an individual basis then report any findings to the local authorities.
The article in question published on the aforementioned website outlines events that are of great concern to us. We are extremely interested in collecting any details outlining the events described. Animal mistreatment and brutality is an extremely important issue in our community. Countless acts of cruelty occur daily. It is our mission at GARP to work towards educating the public about the mistreatment of all living beings, people and animals alike and bringing those who abuse any living creature to justice.
We sincerely hope you will assist us in resolving the matter by providing any information available to you including the names and contact information of the website article’s author and the individual involved in the animal brutality, as descried in that article. We also respectfully request the commentary be removed from the website, as it only encourages and glorifies animal mistreatment.
We sincerely appreciate your assistance in this matter and hope you will play in integral role in bringing the individual who committed this malevolent crime to justice.
Thank you for your time. We look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Mitchell Richards
Senior Board Director
Next, I emailed Larry and asked him what the deal was with the email. I acted like I thought he was actually trying to play a joke on me. Larry wrote back, saying he had nothing to do with it, adding that the guy was obviously a whack job.
Then, without Larry’s consent I decided to write Mr. Richards back, taunting him and revealing Larry’s full name and address. Larry read the reply; he was thrilled and didn’t appear to mind that I had given his personal info out. He commended me on my sarcasm and mastery of being a huge jackass. In fact, his response to my response was classic.
My reply email:
Mr. Richards,
It’s a joy to know that there are actually people out there reading our little blog, Jackass Soapbox. In response to your laughable request that I remove the post outlining my good friend’s amazing feat of bashing out the brains of the poor, defenseless deer, I have to say that it will be a cold day in hell before I purge that amazing tale from my website!
You’ll also be happy to know that later that day we returned to the site of the encounter where the fallen buck laid to decapitate and impale him. His bashed in head rests on the end of a stake at the edge of the forest as a reminder to all of the roving animals of the wilderness to stay out of man kinds way!
The person whose information you requested, the great deer killer is none other than Larry Glavoltz. He resides at 30 ####### ##- Dallas, GA 30132. He is a true American hero, a patriot and a warrior. He is an outspoken leader in the secret war on nature. It is men like him who will ensure that man continues on as the apex predator, the dominant specie who will rule over all others.
Larry shows no mercy towards any member of the animal kingdom that inconveniences him. A few short weeks after ending the deer’s life, he found a groundhog burrowing under his home. He lured the vermin out of its hole, imprisoned it in a cage and disposed of it by tossing it off the side of a parking garage in mid-town, Atlanta. The poor creature now lies, resting in the concrete foundation of the new Trump Tower! This action serves as a testament to the awesomeness of his mission. No deed or act too cruel will stop Larry from prevailing over nature.
Frankly, we feel that organizations like GARP and PETA are nothing more than a sad joke, a club for out-of-touch elitists. In response to GARP’s recent campaigns against hunting and in favor of Veganism, we have pledged to take a stance of killing as many animals and eating as much flesh as possible! Neither a single flower of broccoli, one kernel of corn nor even a solo leaf of lettuce will enter our mouths without being wrapped, covered or paired with meat.
I would politely request that you take your previous request and shove it up your tuckus! Thank you for your concern and please keep reading our wonderful blog!
Sincerely,
M. Peavey
Larry’s reply to my reply:
Haha, every word was 100% brilliance…
The more I read your response to Captain Planet the funnier it gets to me. Dude, we must be like the only people in 5 square miles that don’t shoot every mammal on our property. They are so comfortable at our house, a couple weeks ago, a doe and her fawn walked right up to the front porch while my wife was sitting outside with Gidget (their Chihuahua)…..how Gidget kept her mouth shut is beyond me. By the time I walked out, they had strolled back to the woods.
Yeah, you took it to another level though. Maddox would have been proud! Look, dude the bottom line is this is their religion, and they elevate animals, plants, and natural features to the status of gods. They’re like Wiccans without the guts to admit how religious they are about nature. Carbon offsets are just their form of an offering to Mother Nature. It’s basically feelgoodism. It doesn’t have to make sense or actually work…just so long as you make yourself feel good through some form of symbolism.
By telling a story about the brutal slaying of a deer, even if it was untrue, you dared to mock their gods, and if you get away with it, it will only embolden others to do the same….so they’re going to call the authorities and have this investigated!!
Then I had to nag it on further with my next response:
I’m just waiting for the official letters of threat in the mail, delivered by currier or certified mail or worse… a nerd on an eco-friendly moped with a PETA bumper sticker on the back!
Next was his master response:
Actually, that might be awesome. I would be willing to publicly apologize to their organization for my actions. However, during my speech, I would enjoy a delicious bacon-double cheeseburger with chicken fries from burger king and pause every few seconds to comment on how delicious the meat was. I might even have to borrow a Mustang and just rev it up in the parking lot…better yet, we could both go and take two cars to get there! I could even pass out written copies of my apology, and make sure to leave a stack of about 10,000 unnecessary copies on one of their tables in plain view. I’d open my speech by apologizing for being late, but I accidentally hit an owl on the way over, and I pulled over to make sure it didn’t fly off because I didn’t want the thing to go out and harm innocent animals.
Really? Someone killed a deer? I’m sure the Sheriff’s will be working around the clock to solve this case!
They can’t have a laugh because they genuinely don’t realize how stupid they really are.
The plot thickens! Continue on to the conclusion of part II.
