Swollen, Handsome Preggo Udders
"I can not keep my face away from those swollen, handsome udders."
Last week my wife and I took a tour of the hospital she is birthing our child at. It was an insanely painful ordeal. We were caught in a group of 5 families, all of different walks of life and all including a very pregnant woman, each unknowingly torturing me in her own way.
I begin with the 16 year old having a child with her black boyfriend. I do not point out that her boyfriend is black because I object to her having a child with a person of different ethnicity, I am simply painting a picture of the situation and this was certainly the stereotypical low class white girl coming strait out of the trailer park and the ghetto ass looking black kid boyfriend with the seat of his pants sagging to the floor.
The poor girl could not have been any more inexperienced in life if she wanted, in fact at one point in the tour the guide asked if anyone was considering having their baby boys circumcised and the youngster asked her mother what circumcision was. To make the situation even more mind numbing, the tour registration form explicitly requested only the mother and father and a third guest attend the tour and to not bring children under twelve unless they were a sibling. These two brought most of their extended family including three children under twelve. I assume they had not yet learned to read, they were too busy having sex in the bathroom on that day in literature class. I am thrilled that we, the tax payers most certainly will be footing the bill for their child to be born! Medicare FOR THE WIN!
Next we had the all natural, holistic, don’t let a vaccination come near my baby, mother to be! No group of pregnant women would be complete without one of these fear mongers. This hippie nut job was obviously insane. She was to be made certain that her child would not be exposed to any chemicals, vaccines or anything else. In fact, I would not be surprised if she didn’t bring in her own wheat grass and soy protein supplements to grind up into the child’s formula while enjoying her stay at the hospital. And of course she opted to give birth naturally in a birthing pool. Let’s not neglect to mention that since she wished to use the birthing pool, we had to add another fifteen minutes to the tour to learn all about this special contraption that really looked like nothing more than an over priced hot tub.
All in all, I could really care less who does what in these situations but if you really wish to go all natural like the women of yesteryear, quite using these modern luxuries like baby birthing hot tubs or “healing gardens” (yes, the hospital has an herbal healing garden). Quit kidding yourselves. I am sick and disgusted by these elitist hippies who pride themselves on the idea that they are some how closer to nature, purer and therefore better than the normal (epidural receiving) populace due to the fact that they opt to pass on scientifically proven practices like receiving vaccines and pain medications. If you want to give natural child do it the real way nature intended it. Go out in the woods, spread out a burlap sack, squat over that thing and shit that baby out old school style. What a bunch of pathetic posers.
Next in line for my critique of our tour mates are the insanely hot soon to be mom and her tattoo laden guy. Both were quiet, she was gorgeous beyond words and I secretly wish I too could be covered in tattoos like her beau, so no complaints there. She was actually my guiding light during the tour. I was constantly reminded of how much I love pregnant women’s cleavage. It seems that most women simply do not know how to contain their preggo cleavage. It has to be because they never had it before and now that they suddenly do they aren’t adept to the idea of wearing the less revealing bras or shirts. Regardless, I am convinced this single phenomenon accounts for easily a third of the population and believe many men only impregnate their wives a second or third time due to the discovery and craving of more preggo cleavage.
The preggo cleavage has practically enslaved me. Since my wife has been pregnant I feel like a calf permanently affixed to his mother’s teat. I can not keep my face away from those swollen, handsome udders (she’ll kill me when she reads that I called her breasts udders!) All I could do was day dream about this gorgeous pregnant woman with the perfectly manicured toe nails, intentionally sloppy hair and magnificently swollen breasts and my wife with all the same features getting it on. Is this not a sign of mental illness, imagining your pregnant wife and another pregnant women making lesbian love with their pregnant bellies? And all this fanaticizing took place during a tour outlining the process of woman ejecting a living person from their vaginas. Damn I have some issue to deal with. I’m sure Freud has something to say about this.
Then there was the fifth couple. This last couple was normal as could be. Late 20s to early 30s, married, both appeared educated, employed and friendly enough. I bet they even had their own insurance and were not relying on government assistance. But this couple or rather the pregnant specimen of this duo was actually the worse of the lot. Yes, worse than the child having a child, the hippie mom to be or the mentally torturous milf in the making. This woman was interested in EVERY detail of our lives!
Every man has known this woman. I face half a dozen here at work every day. These women love the idea of pregnancy. They want to know:
When are you due? What will you name it? What doctor you are going to use? What hospital will you use? Have you picked out a pediatrician yet? Will you breast feed? Vaginal or cesarean birth? Cloth or disposable diapers? What colors will you use in the nursery? How many people will you have in the room during the birth? Do you think it will turn out gay? What if it wants to be an atheist? Did you actually want to have a boy/girl? Are you taking birthing or Lamaze classes? Have you been craving any strange foods? Are your ankles swollen like mine? Is sex uncomfortable? Have you had trouble clipping your own toe nails?
And so on.
No, these questions are not made up. I’ve heard them all asked one time or the other and this woman on this tour was asking away. These women are a scourge; they are too damn curious and outright nosy. No body cares and we will never talk to most of them ever again so let’s cut the small talk and go about our merry ways. I swear this phenomenon only exists amongst women. Dudes do not care. Not that we won’t talk about it if someone brings it up, we simply don’t. We have cooler things to do like play golf, watch football and masturbate.
So screw you women and screw your unbearable hospital tours and birthing classes. Minus the preggo cleavage, the entire process of pregnancy sucks! And yet, I will probably do it all again for another taste of those milky, honey suckle udders! Yum. I guess it’s not all bad.
October 3rd, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Let you child have the breast milk and stay away from your wife’s honey suckle milk sacks… geez man!
October 6th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Do you mean udder (like a cow) instead of utter (like to say)? Maybe your spouse will not know the difference and be mad.