Deer Killer

It was a cool, crisp fall morning. Dew covered the grasses and trees, the air was moist and the day shaping up to be promising indeed. Larry awoke that morning with a bounce in his step. He had recently taken a new promising position with a prominent energy company downtown and was eager to show off his awesome talent and worthiness to his new employers.

Larry had become very pleased with himself as of late and felt that he now had a true purpose in life. He had finally made it to the big show. Eager not to be late or cause any rifts with his new employers whom he wished to please so badly, he wisely adopted the habit of leaving for the office extra early. This day was no exception. Larry grabbed his suitcase, kissed his wife and baby goodbye and rushed out the door of his country home.

A thick dew covered Larry’s windshield. As he sped down the old country roads that would eventually lead him into the big city, he continually wiped the glass with the sleeve of his shirt, the defrost running at full blast and the windshield wipers pumping at full speed. Despite all his efforts, the fog would not cease and visibility continued to be very limited.

Still Larry continued down the road, barely able to see anything in front of him and eventually gave in to the fight. He sat back in the driver’s seat, sighed and decided to just drive with the fog all over the windshield. When suddenly…

BAM!!!!!!

A titanic sized eight point buck slammed into the side of Larry’s small Chevy Cavalier at full sprint. The magnificent creature, a real trophy for any sportsman must have easily weighed two hundred pounds. The upper half of the great beast’s body protruded through the window of the driver’s side door, the deer kicking and thrusting, grunting and snarling in panic.

A great terror filled both Larry and the great beast’s hearts, it was a true showdown of man and nature, each senseless in their dread and shock. The buck’s antlers tore into the headliner of the small car, his wet snout pressed against Larry’s cheek and forehead, the creature’s brawny front legs and hooves thrashed to and fro beating Larry into a bloody pulp.

Within a few short seconds Larry knew it was either him or the beast. In all his panic he clawed open his glove box reaching around for anything to fend off the massive beast and his relentless attack. He scattered old tattered pieces of paper everywhere, the vehicle’s owner’s manual, old oil change and tire rotation invoices, the vehicle insurance and registration documents… all worthless in a violent deer attack!

Then finally there was a glimmer of hope. Last Christmas an unfavorable relative had drawn Larry’s name in the annual family secret Santa tradition. His gift ended up being an auto hammer, the kind they sell at the dollar store for use when you inevitably crash your car into the lake on your way home from a night of binge drinking and you need something to bust out your car window so you can swim to safety. This cheap, dollar store auto hammer would be Larry’s salvation.

He gripped the small plastic tool tightly in his fist and decided that today he would survive, he would continue to strive on and he would become the apex predator. He raised the small hammer staring right into the eyes of the thrashing beast, the poor buck struggling as relentless as ever as he now saw his demise in Larry’s expression.

The hammer fell… Thwomp, thwomp, thromp.

The hammer struck over and over on the poor buck’s skull. Brains, fur and chunks of flesh were scattered every which way. Larry was unyielding in his attacks, striking over and over and over! The deer continued to struggle, fighting with all it’s might to free it’s self from the entanglement of the seatbelt and car door. Larry continued to strike at the poor animal that just seconds before had nearly beaten him into oblivion with his hooves and antlers.

“Bwa-ha Bwa-hahaha…” A sadistic laugh of joy had escaped from deep down inside Larry. He was truly enjoying what had quickly become a slaughter, a true blood bath! He imagined that he was Thor, Norse God of Thunder wielding his mighty war hammer.

The beast finally looked back at Larry, the end was near and both knew it. For a brief moment all thrashing and struggling ceased. The deer lowered his snout, closed his eyes and released a final “yelp!” And Larry finished the deed. The final blow of the hammer simultaneously ended the struggle and the poor fuzzy creature’s existence.

Larry looked at his watch; he was going to be late for work. He used the blade on the back end of the hammer to cut the seatbelt loose, untangling the dead beast’s antlers and pushed it out the window. A mess of crumbled auto glass, blood and guts covered Larry but amazingly, he had only suffered a few bruises and small scratches to his cheek.

He drug the dead animal to the side of the road, called animal control and decided to speed off to work, they would understand that his devotion to his new position with the company was superior after seeing his battle torn clothes covered in muck! And so he continued off, busted window, bloody dented door and all.

He arrived at work on time thanks to leaving extra early and told his epic tale! No one could deny the validity of the story as he wore the evidence all over his chest. It was obvious that either the tale was factual or Larry had lent his shirt to someone on the commuter train that morning and they had given birth in it, and Larry didn’t ride the commuter train so that only left bloody deer attack.

To this very day Larry is known as nothing less than a true badass. Even more badass than ninjas, Vikings, pirates, lumberjacks or Chuck Norris, yes even more badass than Chuck Norris. Larry beat a deer to death with his bare hands, a great buck with no less than eight points and now he’s legendary!

Larry Glavoltz, you’re my hero.

Post Title: Deer Killer: A Tribute to my friend Larry.
Your Jackass Author: Peavey
Posted On: 29th September 2008
Filed As: Life In General
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