Pasty, Chubby, Hairy and a Fat Man’s Belly
I have a Fat Man's Belly!
The title says it all. I am a man who is never quick to be nauseous, but right now I want to puke. I have just finished watching a video of me having sex… and I want to die.
A few months ago I bought my wife a remarkable little video camera, the Flip. By stating that I bought the camera for her, I really mean I bought it for me. The Flip is pretty amazing. It is not too much larger than a clunky cell phone or hard drive MP3 player but still manages to shoot pretty decent videos and has a surprisingly acute microphone. In fact, the microphone is so effective that it manages to capture even the most minute of sounds even after being strategically placed in a closet…hidden, under two sweaters, a scarf and an old pair of socks.
Since getting the camera a couple months ago I had been bombarding my wife with requests to videotape sex. I probably asked easily four times a day, usually at the worst times like immediately after taking a dump or right after I just got home from the gym when I reek like road kill possum. Today I decided to take matters into my own hands. I decided to conceal the camera and embrace voyeurism.
As soon as I got home I called my wife to find out how long it would be until she got home. Next I immediately took to the bedroom, scoping it out for the best location to place the recording device. The closet worked out perfectly. I placed the camera on a hanging canvas shelf alongside the thick folded up clothing making sure that the small red indicator light was not visible. Then I waited.
As my wife pulled up I began filming. Then I pulled off my pants and rushed to the back door and waited for her to enter.
“Hey babe” I uttered nervously and excitedly.
“Hey” She said with a smirk on her face and a chuckle in her voice, “What the hell are you doing? Why are your pants off?”
“Sweetie, I have to have sex. We haven’t had sex in three days and I have to have it NOW!” I pleaded.
“Alright, calm down. Help me get these groceries out of the car and we’ll go do it.” She replied.
“What, did you not hear me? I’m having a man emergency. I have to have sex now. And I can’t go out there and get groceries; I don’t have any pants on.”
My wife stared at me with a look of disbelief. Then she replied, “Alright, let’s go have sex then.”
I burst in the bedroom, leaping into the bed like a young child diving into a pile of presents on Christmas morning! I was ecstatic. I was finally going to have my very own homemade pornographic movie! I threw off my shirt and cleared the bed of its dressing, fluffing my favorite pillow under my head.
My wife proceeded to the restroom to undress and I immediately called after her, “Honey, come in here and undress in front of me.”
I worked hard to lure her in front of the camera. I thought to myself, “Man I am one slick mofo”, only pathetic may be the more appropriate term to use. Either way, I felt pretty damn cleaver about now.
She reluctantly began undressing and I feared that she was catching on to the game I was playing but again, she shrugged it off and did as I wished. I lay there almost in disbelief. I felt like I was losing my virginity all over again, and this time it would be immortalized on camera for the generations to come!
Next the fun began. While we were going at it, I couldn’t help but keep looking over her shoulder towards the closet. I felt it was as obvious as a kid shoplifting for the first time, constantly gazing around for witnesses and checking for security cameras. I kept flashing sexy looks towards the camera. I wanted to be awesome. I wanted to become a sexy beast.
I tried to pull out all my best moves, twisting the hips and thrusting in rhythmic patterns. I made-believed I was in an African rhythmic band. I imagined drums beating in my mind, faster and faster and faster! There was definitely something tribal going on. My wife seemed to be enjoying herself and it pleased me that I could please her but I will not try to fool you, I was putting on a show for myself. I knew in a few short hours, I would be watching myself again and I wanted to look good for my feature film debut.
My wife enjoys an array of sexual positions and I was taking advantage of a few of her favorites today. It was all for the camera, baby. I was so proud of my performance. In my mind, I was a warrior like one of the beastly 300 Spartans taking part in the battle of Thermopylae! I flexed my biceps, sucked in my gut and when my back was to the camera I made sure to contract my glutes as tightly as possible. My enthusiasm carried over to my wife and she uttered sounds of joy and exclamation! I truly believed all those hours at the gym had finally paid off!
“Oh Peavey, what’s gotten into you. Oh, uh, uh, ah!” She moaned, bent over the bed.
I was behind her dominating her like a hunter who had conquered a wild creature, claiming it as his prize, his fuzzy trophy.
“Oh yeah baby, who’s your papa!” I grunted.
As she was bent over in front of me, I looked back at the closet and gave the camera a big two thumbs up, flexing my arm and chest.
Soon after that it was over.
My wife required a few moments to recover then moved to the restroom to get dressed. I immediately retrieved my camera then retreated to the computer, locking the door of my office behind me and immediately firing up the home video. I couldn’t wait to see myself in all my vastly exposed glory. I oozed testosterone! I felt more badass than a cowboy, ninja, lumberjack and viking all rolled into one! I was the epitome of what it meant to be a MAN!
The video started and immediately I was slightly disappointed. My skin was pale, my back hairy and of course I hated the sound of my own voice. My sexy man grunts sounded more like the whimpering of a pregnant dog and I realized that I have quite the fat man’s belly!
My flexed muscles reminded me more of fruity Jello salad (the kind your least favorite relative always brings to Thanksgiving dinner) than the chiseled muscles I had imagined that I had. Upon further review of the video, I’m not so sure my wife was really enjoying herself that much either as I had imagined either.
I felt like a clown, a joke, a laughingstock. I deleted it immediately, dressed myself as quickly as possible and left the room in shame.
I only write this now as a warning to everyone. If you do not look like a porn star, do not film yourself naked. You will only break your own heart. It is not worth the self pity and blow to your self esteem.
I feel truly sad for my penis today. He thought we were a hero, but we’re really just a zero.