My Future Child, "Peter Parker"

I am proud to say that when I knocked my wife up, we knew no one else directly who was pregnant. We made the conscious and responsible decision on our own to have a child. We got our expenses in a row; made sure our jobs and health insurance were fairly secure and I quit pulling out at the end of sex.

Shortly after my wife turned up pregnant and the word started to spread I noticed an uncomfortable change forming around me. Women began oozing with delight, happiness and dare I even say… envy in some cases. I was constantly flooded with a barrage of questions about what we wanted to have, what we would name the baby and even where we would have the baby and what doctor we would use.

I initially blew off the annoying questions with my witty (well I thought it was witty) and extremely sincere response, “I want to have a little boy and I’m going to name him Peter Parker after Spiderman, my favorite super hero as a child.” In fact, I was so sincere when I told people that I planned to name my child Peter Parker, after Spiderman that I actually talked myself into believe that was what I planned on doing. Well not to worry; we are having a girl so that plan is out.

As time went on I became more and more astonished to see women I barely even knew teeming with joy over the news that my wife was having a child. They gushed with glee to the point that I felt nauseous. Only a short month and a half after the pregnancy was announced I witnessed the first victim of the disease. The first to catch the baby bug was one of my co-workers. As she broke the news to us, I was a bit surprised when she inferred that her decision to get pregnant was a result of the news that my wife was pregnant. Please do not make the assumption that I really care one way or the other, but this is a life changing decision. It is not like I went out and bought a flat panel TV and you saw it and decided you just had to have one too. These little brats cost their parents tens of thousands of dollars and let us not forget everything you have to give up for your children. It is not something to enter into lightly.

Soon after the impregnation of my co-worker a few of my wife’s coworkers turned up pregnant, then a friend here and another friend over there. Suddenly my wife’s sister wanted a child too; only their current debt and employment situation keeps them from catching the bug.

It even turns out that women are not the only ones catching the baby bug! My best friend, Shat and his wife suddenly had the deep desire to have a child as well, only they are both under employed and have no insurance. Only after a long session of pleading and explaining that without health insurance (or welfare) you would be nuts to have a kid did they decide to put their plans on the back burner. At one point my friend even likened paying the medical bills from having a child to paying off a large student loan. I guess he forgot the part where college degrees make you money in the long run and children just keep costing more and more. I could not believe how bad he caught the bug, and this is a male we are talking about! What a bitch. But perhaps the worse case of the baby bug disease I witnessed, the case that inspired me to write this article is the instance I witnessed this past week.

A few weeks ago my wife and I attended a wedding. It was a joyous reunion of many old friends. It seemed every body was lined up to take photos of my wife and her big pregnant belly. At the wedding was a couple we had not seen in some time. Work had taken them away to another state. Upon seeing my wife they both began the usual gushing. Seeing the big baby belly made their cheeks red, their eyes dilated and the pitch of their voices heightened. It was both startling and remarkable. Two weeks later I received a text message from my old friend:

“My wife is pregnant.”

I estimate that in order for my friend to impregnate his wife that quickly after seeing and touching my wife’s pregnant belly, he would have had to of impregnated her that very evening… in the car… on the way back to their hotel! Yes, they literally had to of gone home that night and conceived their child to become pregnant less that 14 days after catching the baby bug. That is simply astounding.

If you want to have a child, have it but for God’s sake, use a little foresight and common sense before doing so. My friend who impregnated his wife just a few weeks ago was telling me that very evening about his plans to leave his very stressful job that pays well but requires insanely long hours for another career that pays substantially less but is also something he loves. Do you think he will be taking that dream job now? I doubt it.

How many other people leap into these kinds of decisions based on emotion alone? A life absent emotion is a life devoid of happiness and joy, but a life led by emotion alone will surely lead to just the opposite of happiness and joy. You can quote me on that, I just made it up and it’s totally bad ass.

In conclusion I would like to say, please quit being dumb asses. This isn’t about keeping up with the Jones’ down the street and it is nothing like getting a new cute puppy or kitten. I have deduced that those two things appear to be the bulk of the reasoning used by many of the people around me having these kids. They do it because so and so did it or because they are so overwhelmed by the idea of having something cute and cuddly to hold that they take the plunge with little thought.

Please, think before you plunge.

Post Title: Pregnancy is a Contagious Disease
Your Jackass Author: Peavey
Posted On: 30th August 2008
Filed As: Life In General, Where I'm coming From
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