Concession Stand Vendors Suck Testicles
Last night I went to the Braves vs Padres games. It was good times hanging out with some friends, taking it easy and enjoying our national past time. I had offered Larry a ticket (FOR FREE) but he wimped out despite the fact that he works only a few blocks from Turner Field.
The weather was perfect, Tim Hudson pitched a great game, Chipper Jones was on fire and even more importantly the beautiful women of Atlanta were out in droves displaying their artificially tanned legs and midriffs with their short shorts, sun dresses and low cut shirts. For any red blooded American male, it was as close to heaven as it gets.
After the third inning I decided to treat myself to a delicious $7 jumbo dog. I usually back away from the concessions at ball games because of their low quality and insane price, but today was going too perfectly so I decided to partake in the guilty pleasure.
So I get in line, wait several minutes and am greeted by a large, cheery black man,
“What’ll ya have? What’ll ya have?” He slurred quickly, almost inaudibly.
“Uh, gimme a jumbo southwest dog with onions and a small coke.” I replied.
The vendor quickly spouted off, “Jumbo southwest dog all tha way wit onions!”
Then he looked at me and said, “that’ll be tweeenie dollas… na I’m kiddin wit cha, that’ll be leven fiftie!”
$11.50! This is why I usually get loaded in the parking lot, sneak in my own liquor and bring my own food to these things.
So the vendor gets my $7 hot dog, which admittedly almost looks like it’s worth $7, I’m so hungry at this point and sits it on the counter in front of me. I hand him the cash and am waiting for change when a big gust of wind catches the dog and sends it rolling down the counter.
Chilli, cheese, onions and jalapenos are now everywhere. I stare up blankly at the vendor and he stares back.
“So uh, my hot dog kinda made a mess there.” I say.
He keeps staring at me blankly. “Next! What’ll ya have, what’ll ya have?”
I scooped the toppings of my dog up and slopped them back on the $7 limp dick of a hot dog I just bought and stomped off.
I would estimate that the markup on concessions at sporting events is easily 1000%! This stuff is marked up more than blood diamonds! When you buy a hot dog at a ball game, it’s probably better suited for raping your ass than eating because that’s what they’re doing to you, RAPING YOUR ASS!
Is it really going to hurt your bottom line so much that you can’t do the customer, who is already paying outrageously inflated prices, right! What is the world coming too? This is outrageous.
So after eating my dog I go back to my seats. We approach the chauffeur and my buddy and I reach for our tickets to get back in our section, only I don’t have mine. The chauffeur won’t let me by. My buddy goes back to the seat to find my ticket and I’m left standing next to this aging jackass with an attitude.
“Are you trying to sneak in here? I haven’t seen you around here before. I’ve worked here years! I haven’t seen you before! You aren’t trying to pull one over on me are you? You trying to sneak in here?”
Was this guy kidding me? Sure old timer, you’re easily pushing 70, you’re eyes are glued to every pair of tits that waltz by and you appear to have a spot of Altimeters! But you don’t remember me!? Go figure! I’m a hairy, 225 pound dude who looks about as average as every other dude around here! I wonder why your old retarded ass doesn’t remember me?
Eventually my buddy returns with my ticket, after I had been interrogated for 5 minutes. You’d think I was a terrorist trying to sneak a shampoo bottle onto an airplane the way he acted. Either than those two instances, the game was great and the old man was actually kind of entertaining.
In conclusion I want to tell all the vendors and concession stand workers at that game to suck my testicles. You’re all tools of the system, they crap on you! They pay you less an hour than what they charge for a 16 ounce bottle of water. And if you’re bosses are the ones who say you can’t do the customer right then they can suck my balls too! I’ll never buy another limp dick of a hot dog at a Braves game again!