Red Headed Slut
Last Friday night had the potential to be an awesome evening! Jim Florentine, a comic genius was coming to The Funny Farm, a local comedy club. I invited a close buddy and his wife to come along and my wife asked a friend of hers and her boyfriend to come as well.
All day I was excited about seeing one of my favorite comic personalities with some friends, kicking back a few pitchers of beer and laughing my ass off all night.
Unfortunately, evidence that the night was going to become a complete bust and utter disappointment began presenting itself early on. The disaster was foreshadowed by my wife’s friend running thirty minutes late to start things off.
This friend finally arrives and despite knowing that we still have to travel out of our way to pick up her boyfriend she brings in a few beers and pops ‘em open and immediately starts drinking. Normally I’d have been cool with this. Today I’m slightly annoyed.
Eventually we pile up in my little car and head to the club. The red head slut can’t get in touch with her boyfriend and it becomes glaringly apparent that he’s ditching her. After intense pleading my wife convinces her to give up the endless calling, that’s when the slut transformed into the equivalent of a spoiled three year old who isn’t getting their way. Then she actually had the nerve to ask me to stop at a gas station and purchase some malt liquor for her (no, I’m not kidding).
We eventually pass the boyfriends house and press on to the venue. The red head slut says she has no cash. She was planning on totally mooching off her boyfriend for the evening. I, being the awesome dude I am decide to pay her way in and cover the tab for her meal and drinks. Ultimately she and my wife have three pitchers of beer and two Jägermeister shots. To be fair, I shared the beer, so it was roughly a pitcher each.
Throughout the show, red head slut keeps yelling at the comedians. Granted, some interaction from the audience is encouraged and part of the bit, but a few of these poor suckers can barely tell their jokes at times. It could almost be considered heckling it was so disruptive. In the end, she told two of the comedians she wanted to sleep with them and mentioned that she was something to the effect of a full service station! I really couldn’t believe my ears.
Ultimately, if the dinner check and admission were split three ways, her tab comes to a little over $45. She assures me that her boyfriend will give her some cash and pay me back.
The show comes and goes, dinner is finished and the bill is paid… by me. That’s when the elephant dung hit the fan. The red headed slut takes my fairly drunk wife to the bar and says she’ll repay us in shots. The slut pulls out a $50 bill and they quickly ring up a huge tab in mere moments.
My two friends and I have had but a few drinks while my wife and her slut friend is hammered. The perfect equation for fun!
After thirty minutes of loitering around I rein in my wife and tell her its time to go. Despite getting a bit out of control she actually cooperates nicely. It turns out the slut had other plans.
Red head slut finds the comedians standing near by selling merchandise and has them all sign her tits with Sharpie markers. Yes, the slut pulled her unimpressive breasts out of her shirt and had all the comedians (even the fat hairy guy) sign them. Then the slut knocks a few bar glasses out of the hands of some nearby spectators, which all come crashing to the floor. Next she goes into a tirade of lies highlighting how awesome and great she is. By now I’ve lost my temper. I transform into the equivalent of an outraged parent and practically have to drag her to the door.
Once in the car, the slut won’t shut up. She starts calling her boyfriend again and insists we take her to his house. As a courtesy I plan on passing his house by but then I realize that the other option is she spends the night at my house. So I haul ass over to his place.
The boyfriend lives in a large gated community. Slut can’t find the keycard and the boyfriend isn’t picking up his phone still. Little does the slut know, I actually have the keycard, she gave it to me earlier and forgot. She actually starts encouraging me to tailgate my way in. If she cares so little about ripping us off, I guess she cares even less about my car getting trashed by the closing gate! The slut is so drunk she still doesn’t notice me using the keycard to enter.
After entering, the red headed slut proceeds to drive us in circle around the complex. She says to go left when I should go right, she takes me up and down streets multiple times and all the while she’s whining that she lost the keycard that will cost her $65 to replace. My wife and my buddy’s wife try to tell her I have to keycard, but she won’t listen.
After ten minutes of her abhorrent whining I stop the car. I had finally reached my boiling point!
“Get out of the fucking car right now. I’m not playing. Get the hell out of my car. I never want to see your ass again. And tell your boyfriend you need $40. You owe me $40.”
I’m screaming now, my face red as an apple and I’m positive I was about to have an aneurism. She opens the door, sitting half in and half out of the backseat.
She pleads with me, “Just let me…”
“DOOR AJAR, DOOR AJAR, MY DOOR IS AJAR AND I CAN’T DRIVE WHEN MY DOOR IS AJAR! Get out of the car.”
By now I can’t contain myself any longer. I just keep screaming at the top of my lungs that the door is ajar over and over and over.
She finally gets out of the car and as soon as she closes the door I speed off. She starts screaming and running after us and I keep going. I never looked back. Turns out she left her cell phone. My wife was afraid she wouldn’t be able to get in her boyfriends house. Since he hadn’t picked the phone up all night she really had no way of knowing if he was even there. I didn’t care.
Saturday she finally comes to our house about 8 pm to pick her car up. She knocked on the door. We didn’t answer. I still had her $65 keycard and her cell phone.
Today my wife took her cell phone back to her. I still have the keycard. Here it is in pieces! She didn’t offer to pay us a dime back and for all the hell we went through I’ve exacted revenge on her boyfriend’s keycard. I hope I never have to see her stank ass ever again.
