Self Improvement: Take 1
Today I’m sitting in my office taking a magazine break, flipping through one of those gay filler magazines they package in with the cool magazine you actually pay to read and I come to this article with a picture of this almost too perfect looking douche bag with a big grin on his face.
Maybe calling him a douche bag is unfair. He might be an awesome guy in real life. But he’s a magazine model, so we’ll assume he’s a douche bag.
I started looking the guy up and down and it struck a foul chord with me. Unfortunately, I can identify with this guy. Nice clean haircut, polo shirt, plaid short and the fancy loafers. I’m a pretty clean cut dude myself and I dress similar, trade the plaid shorts for some cargo khaki shorts and the loafers for some American Eagle sandals and I’m there.
Look to the right of the dude and you see the quote:
“My first priority is to clean up the backyard. We love to entertain, but at the moment our guests would not be too impressed.”
Holy crap! I recently bought a house about 6 months ago and this past weekend I was out in my little yard spraying weed killer everywhere! I’m becoming this dude. An average, clean cut peon who worries about his hair, lawn and whether or not his ‘guests’ are impressed or not.
- Growing a big fat lumberjack beard
- Not wearing polo shirts on the weekends, or only wearing polo shirts if they’re extremely wrinkled
- Only taking whore baths (only washing face, ass and armpits)
- Calling my sister-in-law and telling her that she’s basically a selfish, self centered jerk on her voice mail
March 12th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Let’s start by saying that nobody will ever be impressed by Peavey’s backyard. It’s about 5 feet from his back door to his property line, then there’s a fence with dogs that used to belong to Michael Vick just waiting for the chance to rip you limb from limb. Seriously, if you aim right, you can kill all of Peavey’s grass with one good shot of round up.
My backyard will never impress either since I may as well be trying to clean up Stalingrad circa 1944 all by myself minus all the dead bodies of course. On top of this, my idea of yard clean up is drinking beer, while a giant bonfire does the hard work.
But I guess the biggest difference between the guy in the magazine and guys like Peavey and myself is not what activities we choose to pursue in order to better ourselves or our lives, and it’s not really even how we choose to dress, although you can tell from the plad shorts, the sockless maroon loafers, and the cleanly shaved legs that this man is a metrosexual reject and probably a closet suburbanite homosexual. Fine, to each his own. The difference is that people like Peavey and Larry decide what they want to do in order to improve their lives. Guys like the flaming male model douche bag allow their peers, the media, and most importantly….popular culture to dictate to them what their priorities are going to be.
Guys like him clean up the back yard because currently, his guests would probably not be impressed. Guys like me clean up the back yard because we decide that we want to clean up the yard. And you know what? If I invite guests over, and they’re not impressed simply because they’ve stepped on a rusty nail or somehow embedded a fist-sized hunk of glass into their skin, so what? Cheer up! There’s an ice-cold beer in the refrigerator to help dull the pain.
Manliness 1
Metrosexuality 0
March 12th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
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